Hello Everyone. I originally came across this story in 2011. The author’s name is repro1 and he can be found on experienceproject.com. Please share with all you know.
This is a much more detailed version of my previous story. I was born again in ’97 after eventually giving in to God’s drawing. I was always a weak Christian who struggled with a **** addiction. I never informed my Christian friends because I was ashamed. In the end, I decided to beat my sin by giving myself over to it (temporarily) until I got tired of it. What I experience is hard if not impossible to articulate but I will do the best I can. On the final Friday of September 2001 shortly after 6:30 pm, I attempted to return to Jesus in repentance after approximately four months of living in deliberate sin. As I said in my previous story, the plan was to leave Jesus and continue in **** until I grew so tired of it that I never ever wanted to touch the stuff again. I first encountered it when I was fourteen before salvation. After salvation, I kept struggling to let it go. I couldn’t figure out how to stop liking it or feeling like I needed it. So, I decided to dive in. Over time it became easier to sin as the feelings of guilt and shame left my soul. I began to make a conscious effort to push Him out of my mind because my mind was quickly becoming horribly perverse with even blasphemous thoughts against Him that I couldn’t control. Still, He left the door opened. More time passed and one day He called me as I was walking up to my friend’s front door. I was so surprised to hear from Him because at that point, I was so far gone in sin that I had almost completely forgotten about Him and thought He hated me. No, He didn’t hate me, instead He drew me in so hard with His love that I almost couldn’t resist. My heart was filled with joy that He still cared and was still willing to deal with me. Yes, His Spirit was still striving with me at that point and I was so worn down from living apart from Him for so long. I almost ran to my friend’s bathroom for privacy and to call on Jesus to confess and repent of my apostasy but…At the last minute I stopped and thought about my history of constantly falling away and I said to Him that I just needed to go a little further to make sure that I was totally over ****. That was a fatal mistake. I was very presumptuous and thought that He would continue to wait for me. I missed God’s grace by three inches. If only I would’ve gone back to Him that day. I continued in sin until that dark and gloomy, rainy evening in September of 2001 and finally decided in my own mind that I’d had enough of sin. I was tired and wanted to go home to my Dad (God) and decided to repent. However, it was not by His Spirit that I came to this decision. Remember, no human can come to Jesus unless the Father draws them by His Spirit. His Word is faithful and true. I had felt dead inside toward God for months but I felt “normal” in every other way. Immediately after finishing my prayer of repentance, I was immediately struck by a strange feeling of uneasiness and heavy gloom. There was a strange stirring inside my spirit. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew something was wrong. I tried to ignore the feeling and I went out with my friend in the hope that the darkness would dissipate. Hours passed and it didn’t. After 1 am I returned home and got something to snack on and got ready for bed. The strange feeling was still there and I decided to pray before sleeping. As a believer, you will know when Christ has forgiven you and cleansed your spirit. It’s not a matter of feelings but Jesus Himself via His indwelling Spirit gives you assurance and a clear conscience. All evening I hadn’t had that and this is when I finally realised what was wrong. I prayed for forgiveness again and told myself to have faith and to lay down and rest. I closed my eyes but couldn’t sleep because I was immediately awakened by a type of fearful spiritual laughter. I started sweating and it was as if I could feel thousands of fingers poking and tearing at my spirit. I sat up and told myself it was just guilt and that it was my imagination. I even quoted 1John to myself. I was struck down by another much more powerful wave of terror and indescribable despair. It was an underworldly feeling of the most utter hopelessness and emptiness. My whole entire being was trembling in full terror. This may sound strange but it was almost as if I could smell and taste my own fear. It was at this point that I knew by instinct what was happening but I was in denial because Jesus had forgiven me…Or so I had wished. This just brought more laughter from “them” and they were communicating with my spirit. The message was basically “How the Hell do you think we got our hands on you? He gave you up and now your *** belongs to us. Welcome to Hell!” I cried out to Jesus but He did not listen to my cries. I had nowhere to run. I was still living with my parents at that time and I almost ran to them in tears but didn’t. I knew that they wouldn’t believe me. “They” just kept kicking my *** for nearly the rest of the night. I suppose they had enough fun around 5:30 am because that is when the fear calmed a bit and I got a little rest. I stayed in bed most day and could only stand to eat a few bites. For about the next two to three years I spent my days and nights away from home wandering the streets without hope. I could barely eat and was shaking with fear most of the time. Endless depression and a very strong desire to self-terminate. The only reason I didn’t do it nine years ago is because as dreadful as everything I’ve been through was, it is less than 1% of the torment the lost who have already died and descended into the Pit go through. Many have been there for thousands of years dwelling in endless death. At least here, I have food to eat and a place to sleep. Fortunately, my torment has decreased to a level that is somewhat bearable. As far as church is concerned, in the early years when I was still in denial I tried it all to no avail. I don’t pretend like I have hope anymore. I stopped playing those games with myself long ago. This is what it means to fall short of the grace of God. This is sin unto death. *sighs* Now that I’ve gotten that off of my chest, a warning. No comments will be welcomed from the “You can still be saved crowd”. I won’t get angry and yell at you because I know you have good intentions and as Christians you want to help those in pain. As I said, I used to be one of you and understand your desire to help. However, you cannot help me and your comments will be deleted and you will be blocked, so don’t even bother. I strongly advise you to use me as an example of what NOT TO BECOME and fully immerse yourselves in His Word. He has repeatedly warned His people in both the OT and NT about the dangers of turning back. Take His warnings seriously as they’re NOT figures of speech. The same applies to the self-righteous “That’s what you get” trolls. Only my fellow reprobates are welcome here with open arms. I love you all and I feel your pain.